being human

02-16-24

Life is definitely taking a lot of energy out of me right now. I won't even talk about the soul-crushing job hunt. But just in general, life is making it kinda hard to get out of bed lately. The best way to put it is I'm just tired.

A lot in life seems to feel like work now. Just planning to hang out with friends feels more and more like a one-sided struggle these days; everyone seems to have their own separate busy lives and friend groups, and I feel like I'm getting left behind.

Maybe it's because lately, talking to people has felt more like a performance I put on, and it's showing. They can see I'm just following the script of appropriate responses to have. I'm a robot whose out of practice when it comes to the act of being human.

You know, I often have this fantasy life in my head where I could take out all the parts of me that get lonely and crave social interaction. I could live a solitary, self-sufficient life without needing to rely on people or put myself out there. Just work, go home, play video games, and sleep. No commitment. No expectations. No effort.

That's definitely immature. And, I don't even think that's true to me. I'm not some hermitic misanthrope. That's not me. I love people. So I'll keep trying, both on my job hunt and talking to people in real life.

...

I joined an art class recently at a library, but everyone there was like over 50 years old. Not exactly the crowd I was looking for but sure. Good on you, Pyu. Putting yourself out there. Being human.